Progress

Recently, like I said, my teacher was talking to me about Busch Gardens. She informed me that her daughter interned there over the summer for about a week and got right to work in the field. Day one she was working with the tigers, the rabbits, and even on the "Serengeti" to see the giraffes. This to me seems like such a wonderful experience for the type of things I want to do with my life. I was so thrilled when she talked about it with me. However, I feel that perhaps I can no long do this after just looking at their website for the camps.

Zookeeping 101 is for grades 10-12. To be honest I am about three years out of that loop. For Zookeeping 201 you need 101 as a prereq. I should probably call them, but that kind of stuff scares me. With my luck I will be the Jr. in college with a bunch of little kids. Woo! I should probably look into calling them though so I can see what's going on. I think it would be a really good experience.

Disney also offers an internship by working in the Animal Kingdom. This would be a lovely experience as well! The only downside is that I need at 3.0GPA and after last semester I no longer have that. (3.75 to a 2.75, ugh!) After this semester I should hopefully have it, I have my fingers crossed. I don't know much about this internship besides the fact that a lot of people I spoke too really love working for Disney. I mean, how amazing would that look on a resume?! I would have to make a lot of different looks for myself, but it would be worth it in the end. I would usually just pass up jobs like this, but when working with animals I will have to follow this rules anyways. Might as well start now!

I will have to take out my nose ring and no only wear studs in my ears. My hair must always be out of my face and tied back. My glasses might be considered too big and distracting so I will have to invest in another pair that have smaller frames and are less obvious. No big deal really, but all of this stuff is new to me.

Lastly, we come to my study abroad program in India. I am looking forward to this more than anything listed above. Why? Well for one I have never left the country in my entire life so I am beyond excited! Two, they will be going to a tiger preserve. Three, Bollywood. Four, I get to do all of this while taking a three credit class. Education, hands on experience, and a trip I'll never forget. How can I say no to this!? We will, for one day, be spending it with children and hanging out with them. My professor doesn't know if it's an orphanage or a school, but either way I will be hanging out with kids who are growing up over there. That to me is so cool because I'll get a feel for their culture and all of that stuff. Like, I am so excited!

My dad seems to be supporting that, but we can see how well this goes. I might just be getting a passport for Christmas, but as of right now, I am totally okay with that!

Third Year

Here I am sitting alone on a Thursday night, or very early Friday morning depending on how you want to look at it. I have printed out thousands of pages of recipes I want to try asap. (I got them from How Sweet It Is. Check it out; it's amazing!) Personally I cannot wait to make the Pumpkin Pie Milkshakes, but maybe that's just me. The fact that I am beyond hungry and wishing I was drunk doesn't really help the sake of my poor printer. I apologize.

Classes start up about two weeks ago and well, they are nice. 11am on Mondays I have Philosophy with this man who, without directly saying it, told us he has erectile disfunction. Lovely. I'm not a fan of the class at all and it is by far my least favorite of them all. This is saying a lot because I'm re-taking American Civ II Tuesday at 1:30pm. However, before I get to that let me finish my Mondays. At 6pm I have Math. This isn't so bad since my professor was hired the Friday before classes started and I have two friends in my class. We don't learn anything, but it will be such an easy A. On Tuesdays, like I said, I have History. I'm re-taking this class since I was ever so lucky to have failed it last semester. My professor this semester is much better because she only has three papers that range from 1-2 pages. I have to learn the Chicago format, but it's much better than writing a dozen papers on things I don't care about. Bless you History majors. I don't know how you do it. Finally we come to Wednesdays where at 11am I am by far the happiest student known to man. I am in Anthropology and I have so much love and respect for my professor it isn't even funny. I have never idolized someone so much in my entire life. Non-family related anyways. I can't even begin to describe how deeply in I am in love with this class. I finish up my week with Math again at 6pm. After that I am a free bitch until Saturday where I work my night shift over at Chili's.

Might be going to India this summer as part of my schools study abroad program. My Anthropology teacher is holding some classes there and she was telling me that they will be going to a tiger reservation over there. Which I think is perfect since I plan on doing something anthrozoological / zoology related. She also told me her daughter did an internship in Busch Gardens working with the animals. I need to look into this!

Hurricane Irene

Here are some pictures I took the day before Hurricane Irene down in Belmar, NJ.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/mollymmm/6084665606/in/photostream/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/mollymmm/6084633354/in/photostream/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/mollymmm/6084648270/in/photostream/

Puppies at the Park

Just got home from taking my dogs to the park down the road. It's a nature park and I usually go there every once and awhile with my friends/boyfriend/dogs. Today I went with my boyfriend and my two dogs since it was nice out for once. I think the rain decided to take a day off! We weren't out long because my dogs really weren't all that interested in being there. It also didn't help that I wore a dress and sat in the grass. I ended up having seven bites all on my thighs and father up. They hurt and itch terribly!

The Tattoo I Want

http://bestsoylatte.blogspot.com/2011/05/tattoo-tuesday_24.html

This is the tattoo I want. I want a forearm tattoo and I want a feather tattoo. To me a feather has a lot of symbolism and the fact that it is on my arm is a constant reminded of what I want.

http://www.imglego.co.cc/Others/blue-feather.html

Hair and Tattoo

My hair is sort of just, blah. It's been the same since my senior year in high school and I really want to do something different. I want red hair and I've been looking at undercuts. Undercuts look so lovely, but I feel like people need to have the hair and head for it. Both of which I do not have. Not to mention the red hair will look horrible on me and I'll end up crying and hiding my head in shame. However, I am going to do it. Even if it means that my mom will be disappointed in it.

I'm also thinking about getting another tattoo this summer. Where all this money is coming from? I don't know, but it's gonna happen. I want on my wrist, in times new roman, the words "Take Control". Why? This entire life that I've lived I have hardly done anything that I truly want to do and I think it's time for me to finally start taking control. I just need my parents to realize that I'm 20. Yes, I know, still young. They still treat me like I'm 12 though. I guess that's what I get for being the oldest. It's my life. Let me live it how I want to live it.

I don't want my parents dead. I don't want them gone. But I feel like if they were away and gone I would finally be able to do the things I want to do. Maybe that's harsh, but it's the truth.

I'm trying to be happy lately. Then my mom gets drunk at night and makes things worse all over again. I know she cares. But I wish she would care just a little less so I can figure things out about myself. Figure things out about my own life. Sometimes I feel like she is trying to live through me. I'm 20, I don't need to know what I want to do for the rest of my life just yet.

I'm not worried, but everyone else is.

Photos and the Past Days

Here are a few pictures I finally got around to editing. Since my laptop is broken I don't have access to photoshop unless my boyfriend leaves his mac for me to use. So today I edited a few pictures. I would have done more, but I wasn't feeling a lot of them.

This week I haven't done much. I sat around the house all day and hardly had human contact outside of my family and boyfriend. I'm making it my mission to do something this week. It stinks because I still only have $2 in the bank. I didn't get paid for some reason. I'll ask them about it tomorrow when I'm working. It's driving me crazy that I can't even afford a coffee let alone a social life.

Two gifs of myself

Finally figured out how to get my boyfriend's photoshop working in 32bit. Of course I have nothing to gif so I decided just to gif myself with some newly installed effects for his photo booth on his mac. i must say i need one of these fancy laptops. they make me happy.

Books and Things

Today I started "Will Grayson, Will Grayson" by, John Green and David Levithan. I borrowed it from the library about a week ago and just picked it up. I read the first chapter in a matter of minutes and I can instantly tell from the start of both chapter one and chapter two that I am going to like this book. I hope so at least. I've heard about John Green from a bunch of people saying he's a good author, but I never read anything of his. Never heard of David Levithan, but the book bio says he is a New York Times Bestseller. I'll take their word for it. This is going to be book three of the summer. Unless I finish "The Amber Spyglass" first.

I am now working more shifts at Chili's. Monday mornings, Wednesday morning, and Saturday nights. As much as I hate my job there, I'm excited to finally start making money. I smoked on the roof of my high school last Saturday after work with: Courtney, Alice, and Ashley. Below is a picture of the 20 foot ladder Alice and I carried from her house to the school. Luckily she lives right on the corner so it wasn't much of a hike. A pain in the ass though. We sat up there until about 3am-ish. Smoking. Eating. Living.

My mother thinks I have some sort of mental issue. She thinks I'm bipolar and that the people she asks their opinions about me being it are just in denial. At least I know she is being serious about getting me help. I cannot wait to get help. She also does not believe that I want to go to school anymore. Yeah, I hate school. I know I need to go though to make a living for myself. I have no real talents and I do not plan to waste my life away working at Chili's for the rest of my life. I think I would off myself before I let that happen.

This feels relevant

Words

boy upset against wall - renewleeds
click through

Today I realized that I really have very little respect for the human race. I understand it's very rude of me to label every being in existence on a select few people, but ask me if I care. Actually, save your breath. The answer is no. Now I'm not exactly sure what I do / did wrong, but for some reason everything keeps coming and finding me and making my life a little more unbearable each and every day. I'm not asking for attention. I'm not asking for sympathy. I'm asking for respect. I'm asking for help. I'm asking to be taken seriously. I get none of this and I'm about to give up trying.

So as I said before I was accepted into Rowan University and I am no longer going. Instead I told my parents that I much rather them spend their money on getting me a psychiatrist. Well, naturally, my parents were a little surprised and upset. Their daughter, their eldest, was basically giving them a smack in the face that they must have messed up somewhere along the way. That's not the case. I do not blame them 100% for my unhappiness. To be honest it is a big compilation of my entire life just finally catching up to me. I have a hard time keeping my head above water. So, with that we closed the checkbook and put it in the drawer and saved ourselves over $10k. It was at that point where my life started to become harder for me. I have no idea what was wrong with me. Everything that makes me happy no longer makes me feel the way it did before. I find myself wanting nothing more than to sit in my room and waste my days away under the covers watching the same shows on television because I never feel like getting up and changing the channel. I tried at school. I did for awhile and then things became so, I'm not sure. I have no words to describe what happened. I wouldn't know where to start. I just gave up. I gave up on everything because it's pointless to me. I really wanted nothing more than to keep going. I wanted to keep my decent GPA. I wanted to keep up my streak of A's and B's. I wanted, but I couldn't do it.

With my failure so obvious I kept my horrible academics of the semester a secret from a majority of people. I would still show up to all of my classes and sit on the computer with all of my school work open to play off that I was trying. People say you have to "try and fail and fuck up", but no. No you don't. Obviously these people have not been in the state I'm in right now. The state that has been hidden within me for years and decides to come out at the worse possible time. Thank you inner-self. You are amazing. So I would leave my house and go to Dunkin' Donuts to work on papers and homework. Actually, no why should I keep lying to myself? I did that once or twice, but every other time I would use that time to leave my house and hangout with people. My parents were constantly keeping tabs of me and the only freedom I had was when I was lying about doing things. I'm twenty. I'm not twelve anymore, I'm sorry. The only class I was doing good in was public speaking and to be honest in the end it was getting harder and harder to give a shit.

crying - elvira88
click through

I was in Florida when I got all of my grades back. They disappointed me. I cried when I saw them. I knew that I fucked up, bad. Yet having those horrible letters staring at me really just made things even more real. A "B+" was my best grade. Public speaking. I got two "D's" in short stories and sociology and finally an "incomplete" in american civ II. Wonderful. Perfect. An overall semester GPA of a "1.7". I'm not proud of this. I'm getting upset even typing this out now, but it is what it is.

I made the mistake of keeping it a secret from my mother for awhile. I told her the other day and she, obviously, freaked out on me. I locked myself in my basement to get away from her. She called me a disappointment. She told me she was behind me this whole time and these grades were a smack in the face. She told me that I make up my own problems. That I make things harder on myself. I do, but I'm not making up my problems. I hurt and you tell me that everything I'm doing is one big joke? You think I want to be this unhappy? You think I planned on doing horrible this semester? Did you? Thanks for the esteem boost. I really appreciate it. Being told that my own mother feels me a disappointment and a letdown is something I really want to hear. Thanks.

I thought I was a good daughter. I really did. Sure I would fuck up now and then, but I never did anything to fuck up someone's life. I never did anything intentionally to cause someone pain. I understand that I'm selfish, but I'm doing most of the stuff I do to please other people over myself. I thought I was at least. I never did anything so horrible that I should be classified as a disappointment. I don't deserve that. Call me a bitch. Call me selfish. Call me anything you want, but don't you dare put down my esteem with calling me that.

I have thought about suicide, but that would be giving in. I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet. It's getting there though. If I'm gone nothing will hurt anymore. I can finally be at peace with myself. I can finally leave all of this behind me. I'm not sure about my views of life after death. Honestly it scares me more than anything. Even if it is just becoming the earth around me, I think then at least I'll be doing something useful. I can't get yelled at for fertilizing the ground around me. I can't be useless if I'm feeding the dirt dwellers. For once something would be thrilled with me being there. Why does death have to be the only way for me to feel like I have purpose?

Glassford Graveyard - JaredEarle
click through

It's Officially Summer

'
I'm finally done with my second year of college! Thank goodness. I am beyond ecstatic to get this summer started. I need to start packing for Florida, but I'll worry about that Wednesday night while I'm banging out the last 3 papers of my sociology class  to hopefully get at least a "C" or "D". Right now I have a 68.5% and that needs to be brought up as soon as I can. I sat in class for a good 3 hours and only got a page and a half done of a 2 page paper. How pathetic can I get?

My cell phone bill still isn't paid, so I'm still phoneless. It's still weird how people can call me and I can talk to them, but yet I can't call people. I'm not complaining. It just stinks while I miss a phone call while I'm out and the person doesn't call back. I should probably start telling people to call me twice in a row if I don't answer or just to keep calling until I do. In the mean time I feel like I'm running an office over here. I have my house phone and cellphone constantly attached to me and my laptop is always left open on facebook for people to contact me. I have yet to go to my 5th grade self and randomly call people to hangout. I haven't reached that point of being desperate yet.

Tomorrow I will hopefully be going on a picnic with my best friend, Ellen. I got us some pink boxed wine the other night and I have yet to see her. She's been home since Friday. I mean I saw her today at dunkin' donuts, but it was a hello and go type thing. I'll contact her later and set up a romantic date with her, I mean I can't leave for Florida without seeing her! I'm debating breaking out that box and getting my semi-classy on alone in my backyard. Maybe it will make me actually want to do this homework. Doubtful.

However, the amount of time I spent typing up this  blog post I could have easily finished the last half of my paper. So, on that note, I'll update you all later!

Summer is Coming & Other Things

Summer is finally only two days away! I am beyond excited to finally be done with this horrible semester. I completely bombed my History final and never made up any of the work I was missing, oops. I got one grade back, short stories. I got a D. Oof, like really? She was beyond rude to me towards the end of the class so I'm not that mad or surprised about it. I'm waiting for my other grades, hopefully I will have passed at least two classes. I have my fingers crossed.

I'm no longer going away to school. I guess it was mostly my choice because my family was ready to send me away. I just, I couldn't do it. Instead I scared them with asking them for a psychiatrist and now I am getting help and staying at community. I guess it's a good thing since I don't think I would do very well away from school. Now I will be getting my associates and transferring or going to communiversity. Haven't decided yet.

I'm thinking of changing the name of this blog and becoming a little more hidden on the web. I know that's nearly impossible, but I think I want to start blogging about more personal things. I don't want people to find me. So I'm either going to remake a new account or just change my url. Haven't decided. I might even keep it off my profile. I'll think more into it. Knowing me I'll have a new name by the time anyone reads this.

I'm leaving for Florida on Thursday after my boyfriend's final. We're roadtripping there and driving straight through to Georgia where his dad booked us a hotel. Then Friday were ditching Geogia and heading to Naples to get to his grandparents house. We're spending about three days there and then we are heading to Universal for the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I am beyond excited about that! Expect thousands of pictures and videos from the trip when I get home!

Weight and Other News


I probably should have thought about that right after summer last year. Now it's too late and here's another year were I'm not going to want to go to the beach or be seen in a bathing suit. What a lovely summer it's going to be. Basically every girl I know has a body I would die for. My family is no help when it comes to weight loss and my mom constantly nags me about losing weight. There is no support what so ever.

In other news, yesterday was St. Paddy's day. I'm awaiting the posting of pictures on facebook, but they aren't up yet. I'm surprised I'm even up. Usually I sleep until 2 or 3 now a days. (Spring break has spoiled me) Did my first Car Bomb yesterday and I think I am deeply in love with how it tastes, rootbeer float, except liquor and probably not a good idea to drink constantly. I didn't throw up last night! Well actually, at like 3am I had Hawaiian Punch and the acid from it was making me feel so sick and I could feel the liquid, so I went to the bathroom and made myself throw up. Luckily it was only the Hawaiian Punch that came out and nothing else. I fell back asleep instantly!

Now here I am sitting in my boyfriends bedroom waiting for him to come home from working for his teacher for his production studio. One of the Housewives from NJ is going to be there talking about Autism, but I don't know which housewife does anything with that. Can't wait to hear about working for his teacher. Actually I woke up briefly while he was leaving and he was dressed up all nice and looked adorable. I wish he just skipped work and came and cuddled with me for the rest of the day, but oh well.

Can't wait for him to come home so I can get a coffee and something to eat. I'd totally be down for going  by myself, but I know he's gonna be starving. Plus I'm not sure what he wants and I don't have a Seton Hall ID for discounts at Dunkin' so I'll just wait.

School, Life, and Other Things

Got accepted into Rowan a few weeks back! You have no idea how excited I am about going. I never ended up applying to Monmouth and I'm not going too since I just sent my $100 deposit slip for going to Rowan. I am so beyond excited.

I was actually just at Rowan this past weekend for Ellen's birthday. I ordered her this elephant bracelet, but of course it got here when I came home. I might be going back down for this weekend to hang out and pick her up,  but who knows. I'll have to talk to my parents about taking the car. Drove there all by myself, so happy about that! I'm clearly a very seasoned traveler now. Yeah right. Ellen's mom let me borrow their GPS and I got there without any problems! Friday her mom came and took us out to lunch and then I left Saturday morning before work.

Which brings me to life. Ugh. Went to Wawa with Court after our shift. We were there from 12am to 3am. Talking about everything under the sun. Well actually just about my relationships. I don't even know what I'm doing with my life anymore and honestly it's beginning to make me sick. I wish there was a way I could just disappear for awhile and get my life back on track. 

Anyways, I spent my whole small paycheck on Etsy. Bought Ellen that bracelet in her favorite color and her favorite animal! Went on and bought myself a feather hair clip. I've been dying to find one everywhere and I was so happy that I just HAD to buy it. And then I bought myself a new key lanyard.

Feeling Creative

This month I have been feeling pretty creative! Maybe it's because of all the DIY blogs I came across and now want nothing more to do than to sit at home and create! Although I don't have all the time in the world, when I find time I love finding something new to do. This month I baked rainbow cupcakes and made a bracelet! Now, trust me, everything I'm doing is a work in progress. I definitely still need some time to become a master DIYer!

The Cupcakes & Dinner

So, I used too much batter. Oops! The cupcake pan didn't have enough slots and I ran out of papers anyway so I couldn't even use the extra pans. My boyfriends family went away and I thought it would be fun to make dinner and dessert! He was in charge of making dinner and I was in charge of making dessert.

We had quesadillas and salads and they were so good! I was so excited about sitting down and eating, but I just have to take a picture before completely diving in and finishing everything. Up next we had my lovely cupcakes! And after some molding and icing they both looked so good and tasted even better!

The Bracelet

Here's the bracelet I made! It took longer than I wanted because I was trying to get the hang of wrapping and then connecting the other chain. It took me hours because I had to keep starting over! It's not the best because it was my first time, but I love it so much!

You can make your own bracelet by clicking here!

Brookdale and Monmouth

So I finally had all of my classes this semester. Let me tell you, it will HOPEFULLY be alright. My Short Stories class is by-far my favorite class and I cannot wait until Monday Morning to go to it again! I knew there was a reason for my madness behind my English major. However, I also dread and hate Mondays with a strong passion because of Public Speaking. It wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't so socially awkward. Woe is me. Sociology is okay. I mean half of my high school is in my damn class and that just makes it worse. In two weeks we have a paper and presentation due about ourselves. Ugh. History is the only class where I can just sit and be miserable. It's so amazing. Come to think of it I have some reading I still need to do for tomorrow. Whoops!

I started my application for Monmouth University and now the only things I have left to do are: get my transcripts, get my dad's navy papers, possibly write a small essay, get $50, and SUBMIT! Gosh. I am so excited. If I don't get in I will be crushed to bits. I have my fingers crossed!

I'm thinking about applying to Rowan, but I'm not sure. The deadline is coming up on March 1st. I'm thinking I should just apply for the heck of it, just in case Monmouth doesn't accept me or something.

Vlog One

Sick Obsession
I really do just have a sick obsession with spending money I don't have. I want to live the lifestyle of someone rich and famous when, in reality, I'm broke and far from famous. I have no style sense and I just like stuff that looks both comfy and loose. Form fitting? Psh.

I actually didn't realize this about myself until my friend pointed it out at a VS event. I buy clothes larger than I need too. (a large opposed to a medium - a 12 opposed to a 10) I think I do this because I hate my body so much that when I wear clothes that are bigger than I am I feel skinnier and then I feel ten times more better!

Right now I keep online monitor shopping. I like to consider it e-window shopping. I'll have the money for the stuff eventually. I mean I still owe my boyfriend the Mets jacket he's been dying for for Christmas. Oops! I have a sick obsession with alternative apparel and I will get something from it when I have the money! I suppose I should pick up one more shift at work to help feed my problem.

Just bought myself the phone case below with the leftover amazon giftcards I had. Can't wait to get it!

New Puppy

The other day my family finally got a new puppy! We've been talking about it for awhile and it actually happened. So here's what happened. Mike and I were sitting in Dunkin Donuts, like we usually do, and my dad texted us and asked if we wanted a new puppy. Obviously we said yes and then he said to hurry home.  Now if you need to know one thing about me is that I love to sit at places like that and spend hours just doing nothing, but as soon as my dad said that I jumped up and ran to the car.

I walk in the door and my dad is on the phone with my mom talking to her and I run upstairs and change. Back in the car we go, now with my dad in the backseat. We had to stop at the bank for cash and of course they take a while and I was so jittery. Finally we were on our way to the PetSmart parking lot.

We pull in next to the car my mom indicated and immediately I saw 10 little puppies in the backseat of this women's car. What happened was my Mom and sister went out to Bed Bath and Beyond and were on their way to 5 Below and on the way over they spotted this women with puppies, next thing she knew they were holding on to our new baby boy. On the way home he threw up on me. I then knew he was perfect.

We just came up with a name for him, Yoda. He is half shih tzu and something else. My mom is gonna ask the women when she picks him up for his shots. I love him so much!

When my Tater Tot and him met it was ... interesting. Yoda screamed and it was just horrible. The next day however they are now best puppy brothers!