This feels relevant

Words

boy upset against wall - renewleeds
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Today I realized that I really have very little respect for the human race. I understand it's very rude of me to label every being in existence on a select few people, but ask me if I care. Actually, save your breath. The answer is no. Now I'm not exactly sure what I do / did wrong, but for some reason everything keeps coming and finding me and making my life a little more unbearable each and every day. I'm not asking for attention. I'm not asking for sympathy. I'm asking for respect. I'm asking for help. I'm asking to be taken seriously. I get none of this and I'm about to give up trying.

So as I said before I was accepted into Rowan University and I am no longer going. Instead I told my parents that I much rather them spend their money on getting me a psychiatrist. Well, naturally, my parents were a little surprised and upset. Their daughter, their eldest, was basically giving them a smack in the face that they must have messed up somewhere along the way. That's not the case. I do not blame them 100% for my unhappiness. To be honest it is a big compilation of my entire life just finally catching up to me. I have a hard time keeping my head above water. So, with that we closed the checkbook and put it in the drawer and saved ourselves over $10k. It was at that point where my life started to become harder for me. I have no idea what was wrong with me. Everything that makes me happy no longer makes me feel the way it did before. I find myself wanting nothing more than to sit in my room and waste my days away under the covers watching the same shows on television because I never feel like getting up and changing the channel. I tried at school. I did for awhile and then things became so, I'm not sure. I have no words to describe what happened. I wouldn't know where to start. I just gave up. I gave up on everything because it's pointless to me. I really wanted nothing more than to keep going. I wanted to keep my decent GPA. I wanted to keep up my streak of A's and B's. I wanted, but I couldn't do it.

With my failure so obvious I kept my horrible academics of the semester a secret from a majority of people. I would still show up to all of my classes and sit on the computer with all of my school work open to play off that I was trying. People say you have to "try and fail and fuck up", but no. No you don't. Obviously these people have not been in the state I'm in right now. The state that has been hidden within me for years and decides to come out at the worse possible time. Thank you inner-self. You are amazing. So I would leave my house and go to Dunkin' Donuts to work on papers and homework. Actually, no why should I keep lying to myself? I did that once or twice, but every other time I would use that time to leave my house and hangout with people. My parents were constantly keeping tabs of me and the only freedom I had was when I was lying about doing things. I'm twenty. I'm not twelve anymore, I'm sorry. The only class I was doing good in was public speaking and to be honest in the end it was getting harder and harder to give a shit.

crying - elvira88
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I was in Florida when I got all of my grades back. They disappointed me. I cried when I saw them. I knew that I fucked up, bad. Yet having those horrible letters staring at me really just made things even more real. A "B+" was my best grade. Public speaking. I got two "D's" in short stories and sociology and finally an "incomplete" in american civ II. Wonderful. Perfect. An overall semester GPA of a "1.7". I'm not proud of this. I'm getting upset even typing this out now, but it is what it is.

I made the mistake of keeping it a secret from my mother for awhile. I told her the other day and she, obviously, freaked out on me. I locked myself in my basement to get away from her. She called me a disappointment. She told me she was behind me this whole time and these grades were a smack in the face. She told me that I make up my own problems. That I make things harder on myself. I do, but I'm not making up my problems. I hurt and you tell me that everything I'm doing is one big joke? You think I want to be this unhappy? You think I planned on doing horrible this semester? Did you? Thanks for the esteem boost. I really appreciate it. Being told that my own mother feels me a disappointment and a letdown is something I really want to hear. Thanks.

I thought I was a good daughter. I really did. Sure I would fuck up now and then, but I never did anything to fuck up someone's life. I never did anything intentionally to cause someone pain. I understand that I'm selfish, but I'm doing most of the stuff I do to please other people over myself. I thought I was at least. I never did anything so horrible that I should be classified as a disappointment. I don't deserve that. Call me a bitch. Call me selfish. Call me anything you want, but don't you dare put down my esteem with calling me that.

I have thought about suicide, but that would be giving in. I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet. It's getting there though. If I'm gone nothing will hurt anymore. I can finally be at peace with myself. I can finally leave all of this behind me. I'm not sure about my views of life after death. Honestly it scares me more than anything. Even if it is just becoming the earth around me, I think then at least I'll be doing something useful. I can't get yelled at for fertilizing the ground around me. I can't be useless if I'm feeding the dirt dwellers. For once something would be thrilled with me being there. Why does death have to be the only way for me to feel like I have purpose?

Glassford Graveyard - JaredEarle
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It's Officially Summer

'
I'm finally done with my second year of college! Thank goodness. I am beyond ecstatic to get this summer started. I need to start packing for Florida, but I'll worry about that Wednesday night while I'm banging out the last 3 papers of my sociology class  to hopefully get at least a "C" or "D". Right now I have a 68.5% and that needs to be brought up as soon as I can. I sat in class for a good 3 hours and only got a page and a half done of a 2 page paper. How pathetic can I get?

My cell phone bill still isn't paid, so I'm still phoneless. It's still weird how people can call me and I can talk to them, but yet I can't call people. I'm not complaining. It just stinks while I miss a phone call while I'm out and the person doesn't call back. I should probably start telling people to call me twice in a row if I don't answer or just to keep calling until I do. In the mean time I feel like I'm running an office over here. I have my house phone and cellphone constantly attached to me and my laptop is always left open on facebook for people to contact me. I have yet to go to my 5th grade self and randomly call people to hangout. I haven't reached that point of being desperate yet.

Tomorrow I will hopefully be going on a picnic with my best friend, Ellen. I got us some pink boxed wine the other night and I have yet to see her. She's been home since Friday. I mean I saw her today at dunkin' donuts, but it was a hello and go type thing. I'll contact her later and set up a romantic date with her, I mean I can't leave for Florida without seeing her! I'm debating breaking out that box and getting my semi-classy on alone in my backyard. Maybe it will make me actually want to do this homework. Doubtful.

However, the amount of time I spent typing up this  blog post I could have easily finished the last half of my paper. So, on that note, I'll update you all later!

Summer is Coming & Other Things

Summer is finally only two days away! I am beyond excited to finally be done with this horrible semester. I completely bombed my History final and never made up any of the work I was missing, oops. I got one grade back, short stories. I got a D. Oof, like really? She was beyond rude to me towards the end of the class so I'm not that mad or surprised about it. I'm waiting for my other grades, hopefully I will have passed at least two classes. I have my fingers crossed.

I'm no longer going away to school. I guess it was mostly my choice because my family was ready to send me away. I just, I couldn't do it. Instead I scared them with asking them for a psychiatrist and now I am getting help and staying at community. I guess it's a good thing since I don't think I would do very well away from school. Now I will be getting my associates and transferring or going to communiversity. Haven't decided yet.

I'm thinking of changing the name of this blog and becoming a little more hidden on the web. I know that's nearly impossible, but I think I want to start blogging about more personal things. I don't want people to find me. So I'm either going to remake a new account or just change my url. Haven't decided. I might even keep it off my profile. I'll think more into it. Knowing me I'll have a new name by the time anyone reads this.

I'm leaving for Florida on Thursday after my boyfriend's final. We're roadtripping there and driving straight through to Georgia where his dad booked us a hotel. Then Friday were ditching Geogia and heading to Naples to get to his grandparents house. We're spending about three days there and then we are heading to Universal for the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I am beyond excited about that! Expect thousands of pictures and videos from the trip when I get home!