Words

boy upset against wall - renewleeds
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Today I realized that I really have very little respect for the human race. I understand it's very rude of me to label every being in existence on a select few people, but ask me if I care. Actually, save your breath. The answer is no. Now I'm not exactly sure what I do / did wrong, but for some reason everything keeps coming and finding me and making my life a little more unbearable each and every day. I'm not asking for attention. I'm not asking for sympathy. I'm asking for respect. I'm asking for help. I'm asking to be taken seriously. I get none of this and I'm about to give up trying.

So as I said before I was accepted into Rowan University and I am no longer going. Instead I told my parents that I much rather them spend their money on getting me a psychiatrist. Well, naturally, my parents were a little surprised and upset. Their daughter, their eldest, was basically giving them a smack in the face that they must have messed up somewhere along the way. That's not the case. I do not blame them 100% for my unhappiness. To be honest it is a big compilation of my entire life just finally catching up to me. I have a hard time keeping my head above water. So, with that we closed the checkbook and put it in the drawer and saved ourselves over $10k. It was at that point where my life started to become harder for me. I have no idea what was wrong with me. Everything that makes me happy no longer makes me feel the way it did before. I find myself wanting nothing more than to sit in my room and waste my days away under the covers watching the same shows on television because I never feel like getting up and changing the channel. I tried at school. I did for awhile and then things became so, I'm not sure. I have no words to describe what happened. I wouldn't know where to start. I just gave up. I gave up on everything because it's pointless to me. I really wanted nothing more than to keep going. I wanted to keep my decent GPA. I wanted to keep up my streak of A's and B's. I wanted, but I couldn't do it.

With my failure so obvious I kept my horrible academics of the semester a secret from a majority of people. I would still show up to all of my classes and sit on the computer with all of my school work open to play off that I was trying. People say you have to "try and fail and fuck up", but no. No you don't. Obviously these people have not been in the state I'm in right now. The state that has been hidden within me for years and decides to come out at the worse possible time. Thank you inner-self. You are amazing. So I would leave my house and go to Dunkin' Donuts to work on papers and homework. Actually, no why should I keep lying to myself? I did that once or twice, but every other time I would use that time to leave my house and hangout with people. My parents were constantly keeping tabs of me and the only freedom I had was when I was lying about doing things. I'm twenty. I'm not twelve anymore, I'm sorry. The only class I was doing good in was public speaking and to be honest in the end it was getting harder and harder to give a shit.

crying - elvira88
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I was in Florida when I got all of my grades back. They disappointed me. I cried when I saw them. I knew that I fucked up, bad. Yet having those horrible letters staring at me really just made things even more real. A "B+" was my best grade. Public speaking. I got two "D's" in short stories and sociology and finally an "incomplete" in american civ II. Wonderful. Perfect. An overall semester GPA of a "1.7". I'm not proud of this. I'm getting upset even typing this out now, but it is what it is.

I made the mistake of keeping it a secret from my mother for awhile. I told her the other day and she, obviously, freaked out on me. I locked myself in my basement to get away from her. She called me a disappointment. She told me she was behind me this whole time and these grades were a smack in the face. She told me that I make up my own problems. That I make things harder on myself. I do, but I'm not making up my problems. I hurt and you tell me that everything I'm doing is one big joke? You think I want to be this unhappy? You think I planned on doing horrible this semester? Did you? Thanks for the esteem boost. I really appreciate it. Being told that my own mother feels me a disappointment and a letdown is something I really want to hear. Thanks.

I thought I was a good daughter. I really did. Sure I would fuck up now and then, but I never did anything to fuck up someone's life. I never did anything intentionally to cause someone pain. I understand that I'm selfish, but I'm doing most of the stuff I do to please other people over myself. I thought I was at least. I never did anything so horrible that I should be classified as a disappointment. I don't deserve that. Call me a bitch. Call me selfish. Call me anything you want, but don't you dare put down my esteem with calling me that.

I have thought about suicide, but that would be giving in. I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet. It's getting there though. If I'm gone nothing will hurt anymore. I can finally be at peace with myself. I can finally leave all of this behind me. I'm not sure about my views of life after death. Honestly it scares me more than anything. Even if it is just becoming the earth around me, I think then at least I'll be doing something useful. I can't get yelled at for fertilizing the ground around me. I can't be useless if I'm feeding the dirt dwellers. For once something would be thrilled with me being there. Why does death have to be the only way for me to feel like I have purpose?

Glassford Graveyard - JaredEarle
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